New Year's resolutions

So 2009. Already it's a bit depressing isn't it? The weather is freezing, the fun of the holiday season is over and there isn't much on the TV. It doesn't feel like we have much to look forward to, does it?  We are all holding our collective breath and crossing our digits that the economy doesn't get so bad that we lose our jobs. Shops are closing all around us and you feel guilty for spending in the ones that are still open anyway. All the magazines and news channels are filled with stories of how to 'eat well for less' and 'save £££' which just seems a bit sad and like too much hard work.

So how am I going to get through the dark days of the New Year? Normally at this time of year I'm in a pretty good mood because I've made some resolution or other. The joy of renewal and the hope for change gives me a buzz. The only problem is that the buzz never lasts because I give up so quickly.  One year my resolution was that I was going to eat healthily and loose weight. I think that one lasted two days. Another year I was going exercise. I didn't. I think last years was that I was going to take pride in my appearance and never leave the house without my makeup done but that didn't last as my fellow shoppers in my local supermarket will attest to today. Although that is in part due to the eye infection I've picked up. Red streaming eyes and running mascara are not a good look.

I don't just make resolutions at New Year either, I do them all through the year at different stages and I always break them after a day or two.  It doesn't help that as a Buddhist I have two New Year's the western calendar of 1st Jan 2009 and the Buddhist calendar which is lunar and where New Year falls sometime in January or February.  

I can't blame all these failed resolutions on my religion however, I've been behaving like this long before I even knew the Buddhist calendar existed. Probably every night I lie in bed and think of what my life should be like and how I'm going to change it. In the dark my plans are crystal clear but when I get up the next day it doesn't happen. I find some excuse or something crops up and the dream is abandoned. Years ago after watching Rocky Horror I made myself a bracelet with beads which displayed the initials DDIBI. This stood for Don't Dream It, Be It.  Even back then I knew that I had good ideas but that I wasn't putting them into practice. I'd identified my problem but I still couldn't resolve it. I don't even know what happened to the bracelet. 

Recently with the help of a few articles I've read I've come to realise that the problem is my attitude. I'm not an optimist. It came as something of a surprise to me because I had previously always believed I was. I'm a pretty cheerful person. I believe in the good of humanity. I even believe that my job is worthwhile which is a darn sight more optomistic then most people. 

The thing is though, is that I'm not an internal optimist. I don't believe that I can change, I don't believe that I have the strength to change and really deep down I don't believe I'm worth the change. I don't know why. I have reasonable good self esteem or so I thought. I'm from a loving and supportive family so I don't know why I feel this way and I don't know how this negative attitude has become a part of my life. Maybe everyone is like this and perhaps it's part of the human condition. 

Whatever the reason I have decided that changing my negative attitude will be my resolution for 2009 because I believe that if I can change my attitude other areas of my life will fall into place. Or even if nothing changes I believe that the way I experiance it will be different. 

So I'm saying good bye to 'I can't' and hello to 'I can'. 

From today I am good enough.

And from today I'm going to be keeping this blog so that I can keep a track of my optimism and hopefully helping anyone who happens upon it to be more optimitic too. 

In in that optimitic frame of mind I'm going to sign off now because I have to get ready to go out to a social event. The new positive me sees this as a great oppertunity to meet new people and to have some fun and is ignoring the negative me that says its too cold and that I won't enjoy it. 

Yours,

The hopeful optimist.